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09:17pm 13/07/2004
mood: aggravated
...trying to remain sober. that's a tough one. by sober, i mean no booze or illegal drugs. right now, the doctors have me on 2 drugs treating my supposed psychosis and depression, and one drug treating schizophrenia. so here i am, sober and yet drugged up, trying to understand happiness.

what is happiness anyway? if i take a shot, will that make me happy? if i get a certain makeup, believe in a certain religion, lose "X" amount of weight (and then end up gaining it all back), will i be happy? only for a little bit. doing certain activities will "keep my mind off things," but after i do these activities my mind is still where i started from....trying to find happiness. and so the vicious circular reasoning and, consequently, living, starts over again. go to a shrink.....to help figure me out. figure me out....only to find out that i need help with myself so i need to see a shrink. i don't even make sense to myself.

but this is what everyone's dealing with, am i wrong? trying to find happiness and a sense of belonging. but no one ever finds it. and here i am, playing around with self-pity, when A.A. teaches to let go of that. i can't let go of everything that makes me tick, like self-pity, because i have to replace it with something else. like happiness. like fulfillment. feeling sorry for myself when what? why? that's the question - WHY. so i vent in my journal. my journal that people read and comment on, so then i get the sense of acceptance. wanting to feel acceptance is actually greed coming into play. greed is against a certain step. i'm human. if i take all the bad feelings away, i'm left with nothing and i'm a robot. but that's what i feel i need to do.

maybe i should stop thinking and analyzing so much. i don't even know who i am anymore.

and that's self-pity. FUCK!!!!!
6 bowl was packed -bowls were packed - Pack a bowl
12:22pm 12/05/2004
  hey, um... does anyone know if i'm supposed to tip my massage therapist? she does it out of her home.  
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02:12pm 11/05/2004
  i work in a factory. i don't get why we have child-proof asprin bottles and child-proof paint containers.

you have to be 18 to work in a factory.
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01:22am 22/04/2004
  i think i'm gonna start taking french lessons. and i want to learn how to play the fiddle, too.

that's all.
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01:13am 21/04/2004
  anyone got a cig?  
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02:01am 28/03/2004
  watch this video. it's about 10 minutes long. you can find it at:

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smoke free in 7 days? we'll see   
02:51pm 14/03/2004
  so i bought the smoke away program at walgreen's. it was on sale for 39.99. i'm going to start it tonight and by next week sunday i should be smoke free! it's all herbal and you have to read all the success stories before you go to sleep and well, i just hope it works. my mom was so happy i decided to quit smoking that she offered to buy it for me - if it works. and, if i'm still not smoking in 3 months from now - she's gonna give me a hundred bucks! sweet.

i also bought some firming body lotion. i know, i know!! that shit doesn't work. but it was on clearance for 4.79 and i had a coupon for a buck off, so that was a deal from 11.99. and if i'm gonna use body lotion anyways, why not use the kind that's supposed to firm, right?
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Pictures coming soon!   
03:15pm 20/02/2004
  hi, everyone! just to let you know, me and maurice (my bird) are working hard to put my vacation pictures onto photobucket right now so i can post my pics in my journal. so they should be on here tonight! and there's plenty of them. actually, maurice is just playing around my computer. she's having a hard time sticking to the task at hand.....  
Pack a bowl
01:15am 18/02/2004
mood: tired
hi, everyone. i'm back from florida and my trip was great. i'll be a good girl and post my pics tomorrow.

my favorite thing about my vacation is that i got a louis vuitton handbag when i was away. a real one. i've been a good girl so far this year, but not that good. the thing cost me half a paycheck. i'm sick about how much i spent on it, but i'm glad i have it. i wanted the white kind with multi-colored logos, but those are even more expensive. so i bought the classic brown and camel-color style.

time to go masterbate. i can't WAIT! this one's gonna be good.
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02:42pm 31/01/2004
  HA! i figured out how to use the internet at work. now i'll never earn my day's pay!  
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12:40pm 26/01/2004
  i just talked to kelly on the phone for about an hour. i wish she hadn't dumped me. i was at my happiest point when i was with her. i really miss her.  
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11:31pm 17/12/2003
  Friends Only!

If you think you might want to be my friend, leave a comment here.

If I like you I'll add you!
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